In the month leading up to our Irish vacation, I had never felt so much stress, sadness and excitement all at once.  My emotions were all over the place- between being completely exhausted from packing, and emotionally drained from saying goodbye to my family of coworkers, I was kind of a mess.  Add a day trip to Kansas City for a mandatory health physical for my new job, which entailed a 4 hour round trip drive to Midway from South Bend, renting a car in Kansas City and two flights, and I was spent.  Tony didn’t have it any better as he defended his dissertation and wrapped up his requirements…

One year ago I shared my deepest feelings to honor Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  Today is my one year “blogiversary” and yet I feel like I have lived through a lifetime in this year.  Before compiling this post, I read through my “coming out” post from one year ago, and decided to repost the link at the end of this one.  I poured my heart and soul into those words and feel that I can’t recap what P.A.I.L. means to me any better than I did that day. For those of you who might not know my story, my husband and I had two miscarriages in 2016.  It put a…

Morning of surgery: I wake up.  I’ve thought of this day for months since “tentatively scheduling” surgery, while hoping that I wouldn’t need to have it if we got pregnant before May 17th.  But surgery day arrived, and still- no bump.  Was it time? Yes.  It had been nearly one year since we conceived for the second time. We were moving in 2 months, and I was ready to do SOMETHING to help our chances of having a family some day. That morning, I felt mostly at peace. Part of me was so excited that having answers was only a few hours away. Part of me was nervous about anesthesia, catheters…

I follow many bloggers who are playing the “waiting” game like we are.  Each of them has posted an honest, yet hopeful piece on infertility in tribute to National Infertility Awareness Week. Last week was crazy busy for the Cunningham household so I didn’t quite get around to posting it on time.   Personally, I resent the term “infertility.”  I’ve written many times about feeling “less than” when going through our journey to parenthood, and in my opinion the word “infertility” means just that to me.  The latin prefix “in-” means “not.” So if I throw ourselves into the category of being infertile, what does that say?  That we are NOT fertile.…

Tony and I got married on the most beautiful spring day in 2013. April 13th came with 75 degree weather, wide open blue skies and sunshine. It was gorgeous.  But four years? It seems longer than that. We have grown so much during this time, enjoying the good times and learning from the bad ones. I can’t even fathom what 10, 20, 50 years will feel like, should we be blessed with so much time together. When I look through our wedding pictures, I can’t help but see us as “babies.” Sure it was “only” four years ago, but in many ways, we didn’t have the first clue about life. We…

I used to refer to those who conceived easily as “the LUCKY ones.”  I can’t even begin to count how many friends I know of who “just tried once” or “weren’t even trying” who went on to have a pregnancy without complications.  Couples who never had to know the fear that something might be wrong.  Couples who didn’t hesitate to post a big announcement on social media, because why would they? Positive pregnancy test = automatic baby 9 months later, right?  Couples who didn’t have to deal with monthly disappointment after giving it their all yet again.  Couples who didn’t have to plan their month around the “fertile window.”  I used to…

I’ve been dreading turning 30- and it has been no secret.   I remember planning my life when I was much younger.  I saw myself being married right after college, and having both of my babies before I turned 30.  I wanted to be the young, cool mom.  HA! I am 100% happy that I waited longer to get married, because I had no clue what to look for in a partner during college.  And having both of the kids before 30? That’s a bit unrealistic. My 20’s were a roller coaster of ups and downs, twists and turns.  Like anyone in their twenties, I made mistakes and learned many of…

Tony has been working on his masters/PhD for going on 6 years.  He applied to 15 internship sites and traveled to 11 of those sites for interviews.  I helped him pick out what jacket, pants, tie, shirt, shoes to wear each time he left.  He traveled for 3 straight weeks in January, sometimes only coming home for one night to repack his suitcase and then leave again the next day.  It was an exhausting time for him, and for me, as I realized during that time that we truly do have a partnership when it comes to household needs, dog parenting etc.   I missed him tons! After ranking his…

Lately, I’ve been fighting the “meh” that I feel every winter.  Every January, post Christmas and pre-birthday I struggle against the lack of sun and cabin fever that makes me want to curl up into a ball and go on a strike against any form of “adulting.” Then February arrives and I add a few touches of red and pink around the house and look forward to seeing friends around my birthday.   But the past few February’s have not been nice to me.  February 2016:  car accident- hit head on because some guy on his cell phone ran a red light.  February 2017:  First miscarriage. No other words are necessary.…