I follow many bloggers who are playing the “waiting” game like we are. Each of them has posted an honest, yet hopeful piece on infertility in tribute to National Infertility Awareness Week. Last week was crazy busy for the Cunningham household so I didn’t quite get around to posting it on time. Personally, I resent the term “infertility.” I’ve written many times about feeling “less than” when going through our journey to parenthood, and in my opinion the word “infertility” means just that to me. The latin prefix “in-” means “not.” So if I throw ourselves into the category of being infertile, what does that say? That we are NOT fertile. Lately, I’ve struggled with where we are on this “journey.” We’ve been at it officially now for 18 months. The first 9 months of this timeline brought us two pregnancies followed quickly by two miscarriages. These last 9 months? Nothing but intense longing and angst making me question if I should even bother continuing to HOPE.
Today, I find myself in disbelief that we are here. We are about to move across the country, leaving my doctor, my family of coworkers who have cheered me on through this process, friends, familiarity, and our sweet little home that we have grown to love so much. I find myself feeling frustrated that I even did get pregnant twice, giving me a false believe that I was fairly “fertile” to become pregnant twice within six months. And now nothing for the better part of a year. Why are we still on this “journey?” Haven’t we learned enough? Haven’t we prayed hard enough? Don’t we want it enough? What makes others so much more deserving than us? When will our prayers be answered? How much medical intervention is TOO much? Does medical intervention line up with God’s will for us, or are we fighting against His will? How far will we go to have what some people take for granted? These are the questions that plague my mind, and many others on a regular basis.
The reality is that 1 in 8 couples in the United States struggle to build the family that they desire. Infertility is defined as “not becoming pregnant after 1 year of unprotected sex,” or “recurrent miscarriages and stillbirths.” 1 in 8 couples struggle with their relationships with each other, friends, family, strangers. I can’t count the number of times that I’ve witnessed a mother screaming at her child in public out of sheer frustration. I’m not saying that those mothers don’t deserve those moments, because I am only seeing a small glimpse of their parenting, but witnessing such moments pains me. I was walking into DSW (because shoes…) a couple of months ago and as I held the door open for a woman and her two small boys, she looked at me, exhaustion in her eyes and said, “do you want them?” I wanted to take that opportunity to educate her on infertility, but instead I smiled. She is one of the ones that just doesn’t know. She doesn’t know that many couples end up in therapy because the struggle to start a family is consuming their every move. She doesn’t know that many women struggle with their friendships, as one by one their friends become mothers without them.
“Just adopt.” Is it really as easy as people think it is? Hell no. It is a LONG, expensive, taxing process that MIGHT result in a healthy baby. Sometimes couples who have prayed for years finally get the news that their baby is ready for adoption, only to have the birth mother change her mind. Sometimes the only babies who are eligible for adoption haven’t “been in the system long enough.” These babies are forced to wait in order to give their neglectful parents long enough to decide if they can fulfill their basic duties as their guardian.
“Have you considered surrogacy?” This pains me personally. Though I would probably give anything to forgo the actual pains of labor (witnessing it regularly in my line of work), my desire to feel my child growing inside of me, feeling my baby kick, nourishing my baby with my milk, morning sickness (yes… I desire to feel that after two lost pregnancies) sore breasts etc. is STRONG. And surrogacy to me, means giving up on my body. It means that my body is good enough. That my body is “less than.” That would feel like failure.
“Maybe try IVF?” Because THAT is so affordable. Because months of daily injections, procedures and tears guarantees you a healthy child if you invest the money, right? Wrong. Because even though a pregnancy might take with IVF, there is still the risk of miscarriage and loss.
“You just need to relax and then it will happen.” Don’t say that EVER. EVER. EVER. Especially if you are a person who has been blessed with children, do not utter these words to women struggling to become mothers. While this might be partially true because stress definitely impacts conception, there are medical reasons for infertility that mere “relaxation” will not cure.
So yes, I hate the word “infertility.” I hate that there are approximately 200,000 couples in the United States alone who want a child more than anything. I’m frustrated to see so many babies who aren’t loved enough in the NICU- babies who are sometimes born with drug addiction because their mothers couldn’t pull themselves to get clean for the sake of their unborn child. All couples who long for a child should get the chance to be parents. But life isn’t fair. And it is all too easy to give up HOPE for something that is in engraved in our nature to desire.
So what do I feel after 18 months of trying to grow our family? Pure exhaustion. I am tired- emotionally and physically some days. Feeling this exhausted makes it hard to stay HOPEful. It makes it hard to stay faithful to the belief that God’s plan for me is better than my own. It makes it hard to not hold up pregnancy on a pedestal and give the “theoretical baby” the power of control over my happiness.
What do I do about it? As tired as I am, I refuse to give up on my happiness. I have thrown myself much into strengthening our marriage. We make bucket lists of things to do together and work hard to actually follow through and do them. We officially booked our trip to Ireland for July. Planning that together was thrilling, and we are so excited!
My fur children mean the world to me. They are such a comfort during hard days, and make us both laugh at the dumb things they do! Pippa turned 4 last month and Teddy got to reap the benefit of homemade pupcakes (thanks Tony!) to celebrate.
I have also made the decision to have exploratory surgery to look for endometreosis. My doctor is very optimistic that he will find something during this surgery that might explain the last 18 months. If he finds Endometriosis then he will remove it, giving us hope for a successful pregnancy the next time we conceive. My surgery is approaching quickly on May 17th. I hope that this time next year I might be blogging about pregnancy after loss, and not still blogging about waiting. And if I am still waiting, I pray that Tony and I will continue to have perseverance and HOPE in our future. I pray that we will continue to trust in God’s plan for us. And I pray that we will continue to be supported by all of our friends- especially those who have been given the gift of parenthood, that they stand by us with some degree of sensitivity and the knowledge that infertility has been a strain on our marriage.
For those of you reading this who are still waiting on this journey to parenthood you are not alone. Do not let the diagnosis of INFERTILITY define you. For those of you who have been blessed with children, treasure them, and encourage us to not lose HOPE that one day we will be parents too.
**** Special thank you to a fellow miscarriage sister who sent me these HOPE cupcakes. I cried when I opened the box- the letters in pink and blue icing, and the RAINBOW (baby) sprinkles. The sweetness filled my heart with such love and HOPE in the moment. They were delivered to me on the date that would have been our second due date, and on the day that I took yet another negative pregnancy test. These are the small sentiments that inspire those who are on a difficult journey to parenthood to keep going. THANK YOU KS! It meant the world. ****
