{"id":95,"date":"2016-08-02T02:31:28","date_gmt":"2016-08-02T02:31:28","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/?p=95"},"modified":"2016-10-15T16:48:40","modified_gmt":"2016-10-15T16:48:40","slug":"saying-goodbye","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/2016\/08\/02\/saying-goodbye\/","title":{"rendered":"saying goodbye"},"content":{"rendered":"

If you do not believe that life begins at conception, you may not appreciate this post.<\/p>\n

\"IMG_7442<\/p>\n

I met a local friend for coffee a week or so after our loss. \u00a0I reached out to her when it happened because I knew that she had gone through her own painful journey with miscarriage. \u00a0She was amazing. \u00a0She listened to me, answered my questions and listened to me some more. \u00a0She recommended coming up with a name for the baby we lost in order to pay tribute to its tiny life. \u00a0 I remember feeling torn at this notion. \u00a0 To me life begins at conception, but with this miscarriage, all I had were several pregnancy tests and an ultrasound with thickened uterine lining to prove that I was pregnant. \u00a0There was no heart beat, no picture of a gestational sac and little for me to hold on to. \u00a0Giving this short lived entity a name sounded strange to me at first. \u00a0I could picture the people in our lives who would scoff at the idea that this was actually a baby and that it should be named. \u00a0But there in the coffee shop, talking to my fellow miscarriage sister, I knew that naming this baby is what I needed. \u00a0 And to me- that little life deserved to have a name. \u00a0To me, that little life was a baby. \u00a0Our first baby. \u00a0My friend gifted me two things that day- a framed quote that hangs at the top of my stairs, and the freedom to feel how I wanted to feel regarding that tiny little life. \u00a0 This quote reminds me each day when I wake up and head downstairs for my morning coffee that one day, I will be reunited with my first little love. \u00a0(Thanks a million JB!)<\/p>\n

\"IMG_7303<\/p>\n

Tony asked me to be his girlfriend on a summer evening on Notre Dame’s campus back in 2011. \u00a0He gave me my first tour of the place that night and after we became “official,” we stopped by the Grotto at Notre Dame. \u00a0For those who are unfamiliar, it is a beautiful place in the heart of campus. \u00a0This place is appreciated by all- believers and non-believers. \u00a0The Grotto of Our Lady of Lourdes is modeled after the actual Grotto located in Lourdes. \u00a0Here on Notre Dame’s campus, hundreds of candles can be lit at one time. \u00a0Students, faculty and visitors stop here, light a candle and kneel in prayer. I remember feeling awed by the number of candles and simultaneous prayers each candle represented when I first visited the grotto. \u00a0Tony and I prayed here for me to get the NICU job in Chicago, so our long distance relationship (from Kansas City to South Bend) wouldn’t be so long. \u00a0We’ve stopped here several times throughout our marriage and decided that the Grotto seemed to be the perfect place for us to say goodbye to our first baby.<\/p>\n

\"IMG_7709\"As for the name, we decided that there would be no more perfect of a name, than Hope<\/strong>. \u00a0Desmond Tutu once said, “Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.<\/em>“<\/strong> \u00a0Hope<\/strong> is what kept me going in those early weeks following our loss. \u00a0Hope<\/strong> is what I need to believe that one day I will hold our child in my arms. \u00a0There are many great promises that God makes to man throughout the bible. \u00a0One of my personal favorites comes from Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you Hope<\/strong> and a future.” I held on tightly to that promise in these weeks. \u00a0 And after attending a baby shower for our dear friend and fellow miscarriage sister, we headed to the Grotto to say goodbye to our baby, Hope<\/strong>. \u00a0We waited until there was no one else lighting a candle, and then we approached the Grotto. \u00a0We lit our candle and placed it on the upper right corner so we would know which one was ours from a distance and backed away to the kneelers. \u00a0 I started reading the prayer that we printed out, but the tears flowed to the point that I couldn’t read the words. \u00a0My rock of a husband finished reading the prayer, and I remember crying on his shoulder after he read the last words.<\/p>\n

\"IMG_7504\"<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Think of this what you may, but I didn’t want to leave our little candle that night. \u00a0When I did, I found comfort that it was surrounded by so many other candles in such a peaceful place of prayer. \u00a0 We left our prayer card underneath our candle and left the Grotto, feeling like we had honored our first little love. \u00a0 Closure seems like such an inadequate word to describe how I felt when leaving the Grotto. \u00a0 Merriam-Webster defines closure as “a feeling that a bad experience has ended and that you can start to live again in a calm and normal way.” \u00a0I will never be “normal” again. \u00a0“Calm?” I was the last thing from it. \u00a0To say that this act offered some type of closure for me is inadequate, because it couldn’t possibly heal the hole in my heart that I felt and still feel now. \u00a0But I did feel like lighting the candle and saying goodbye in this place helped make it more real for me.<\/p>\n

\"IMG_7505\"<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

If you do not believe that life begins at conception, you may not appreciate this post. I met a local friend for coffee a week or so after our loss. \u00a0I reached out to her when it happened because I knew that she had gone through her own painful journey with miscarriage. \u00a0She was amazing. \u00a0She listened to me, answered my questions and listened to me some more. \u00a0She recommended coming up with a name for the baby we lost in order to pay tribute to its tiny life. \u00a0 I remember feeling torn at this notion. \u00a0 To me life begins at conception, but with this miscarriage, all I had were several pregnancy tests and an ultrasound with thickened uterine lining to prove that I was pregnant. \u00a0There was no heart beat, no picture of a gestational sac and little for me to hold on to. \u00a0Giving this short lived entity a name sounded strange to me at first. \u00a0I could picture the people in our lives who would scoff at the idea that this was actually a baby and that it should be named. \u00a0But there in the coffee shop, talking to my fellow miscarriage sister, I knew that naming this baby is what I needed. \u00a0 And to me- that little life deserved to have a name. \u00a0To me, that little life was a baby. \u00a0Our first baby. \u00a0My friend gifted me two things that day- a framed quote that hangs at the top of my stairs, and the freedom to feel how I wanted to feel regarding that tiny little life. \u00a0 This quote reminds me each day when I wake up and head downstairs for my morning coffee that one day, I will be reunited with my first little love. \u00a0(Thanks a million JB!) Tony asked me to be his girlfriend on a summer evening on Notre Dame’s campus back in 2011. \u00a0He gave me my first tour of the place that night and after we became “official,” we stopped by the Grotto at Notre Dame. \u00a0For those who are unfamiliar, it is a beautiful place in the heart of campus. \u00a0This place is appreciated by all- believers and non-believers. \u00a0The Grotto of Our Lady of Lourdes is modeled after the actual Grotto located in Lourdes. \u00a0Here on Notre Dame’s campus, hundreds of candles can be lit at one time. \u00a0Students, faculty and visitors stop here, light a candle and kneel in prayer. I remember feeling awed by the number of candles and simultaneous prayers each candle represented when I first visited the grotto. \u00a0Tony and I prayed here for me to get the NICU job in Chicago, so our long distance relationship (from Kansas City to South Bend) wouldn’t be so long. \u00a0We’ve stopped here several times throughout our marriage and decided that the Grotto seemed to be the perfect place for us to say goodbye to our first baby. As for the name, we decided that there would be no more perfect of a name, than Hope. \u00a0Desmond Tutu once said, “Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.“ \u00a0Hope is what kept me going in those early weeks following our loss. \u00a0Hope is what I need to believe that one day I will hold our child in my arms. \u00a0There are many great promises that God makes to man throughout the bible. \u00a0One of my personal favorites comes from Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you Hope and a future.” I held on tightly to that promise in these weeks. \u00a0 And after attending a baby shower for our dear friend and fellow miscarriage sister, we headed to the Grotto to say goodbye to our baby, Hope. \u00a0We waited until there was no one else lighting a candle, and then we approached the Grotto. \u00a0We lit our candle and placed it on the upper right corner so we would know which one was ours from a distance and backed away to the kneelers. \u00a0 I started reading the prayer that we printed out, but the tears flowed to the point that I couldn’t read the words. \u00a0My rock of a husband finished reading the prayer, and I remember crying on his shoulder after he read the last words.   Think of this what you may, but I didn’t want to leave our little candle that night. \u00a0When I did, I found comfort that it was surrounded by so many other candles in such a peaceful place of prayer. \u00a0 We left our prayer card underneath our candle and left the Grotto, feeling like we had honored our first little love. \u00a0 Closure seems like such an inadequate word to describe how I felt when leaving the Grotto. \u00a0 Merriam-Webster defines closure as “a feeling that a bad experience has ended and that you can start to live again in a calm and normal way.” \u00a0I will never be “normal” again. \u00a0“Calm?” I was the last thing from it. \u00a0To say that this act offered some type of closure for me is inadequate, because it couldn’t possibly heal the hole in my heart that I felt and still feel now. \u00a0But I did feel like lighting the candle and saying goodbye in this place helped make it more real for me.    <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":23,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-95","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-journey-to-parenthood"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/07\/image-8.jpeg?fit=4032%2C3024&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p8oEBX-1x","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/95","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=95"}],"version-history":[{"count":17,"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/95\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":511,"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/95\/revisions\/511"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/23"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=95"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=95"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=95"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}