{"id":365,"date":"2016-10-09T00:57:38","date_gmt":"2016-10-09T00:57:38","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/?p=365"},"modified":"2016-10-11T14:50:39","modified_gmt":"2016-10-11T14:50:39","slug":"dont-give-the-theoretical-baby-all-the-power","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/2016\/10\/09\/dont-give-the-theoretical-baby-all-the-power\/","title":{"rendered":"don’t give the theoretical baby all the power"},"content":{"rendered":"

“But no one could tell me that- the problem with infertility is that it is not a patient, serene kind of waiting, not a simple delay in your plans; it happens for many of us in the context of consuming struggle, staggering expense, devastating loss. \u00a0It’s sometimes years of trying and failing, which erodes any feelings of confidence or anticipation of a positive outcome.” \u00a0–The Art of Waiting<\/em>, Belle Boggs.<\/p>\n

When I reconnected with my\u00a0breaking point last week, I knew that I needed a change. \u00a0After the first miscarriage, I wanted to get away- far away to a sandy beach somewhere. \u00a0 After finding the Calm app, and religiously practicing mindfulness and meditation each day for the entire month of February, my perspective shifted. \u00a0I learned to be OK with my surroundings. \u00a0I learned to feel OK in my own skin. \u00a0I learned to appreciate the good things that my body was doing, instead of focusing on what it didn’t do. \u00a0I learned the importance of focusing on my breathing when feeling anxious. \u00a0Mindfulness training was life changing for me during one of the most brutal times of my life.<\/p>\n

When we started trying to conceive again after that, I became so focused on TTC that my anxiety level sky rocketed one month during the TWW. (TWW stands for the two week window in between ovulation\/baby dancing and the appropriate time that you can do a pregnancy test.) \u00a0I felt completely out of control, and Tony noticed. \u00a0Coworkers noticed. \u00a0My family noticed through the sound of my voice over the phone. \u00a0 In therapy in the weeks following, I pledged that I just wanted to be OK with where my life is now. \u00a0I didn’t want to focus on the future or the things that I didn’t have. \u00a0I wanted to put my marriage first, and quit giving the theoretical baby such a strong hold over my happiness. \u00a0I wanted to know how to let go. \u00a0And I think I did okay with that. \u00a0I reconnected with pregnant friends, and built up the HOPE I\u00a0felt for the future. \u00a0 I made a Summer 2016 bucket list and lived the many joys of summertime with my better half.<\/p>\n

After the second miscarriage I felt a heavier sense of dread. \u00a0I had been doing lab work from the moment that I saw that second pink line, so I knew that my hcg levels were not optimal. \u00a0 I had more time to prepare myself for the heartache. \u00a0 I waited an entire month and then some to try to conceive again, and in that month, we continued to check things off on the bucket list. \u00a0And as much as I tried not to go back down the narrow tunnel vision rabbit hole that is fiercely trying to conceive, it just happened. \u00a0 I found myself feeling out of control last week- grieving and fearing that I would never have a child. \u00a0I gave the theoretical baby back the power over my happiness yet again.<\/p>\n

The physical aspects of miscarriage make a woman wonder if she is ever going to be able to be normal again. \u00a0First the body builds up the perfect environment for a baby and then tears it all \u00a0away when the body recognizes that the baby is not viable any longer. \u00a0Sometimes the body does not completely empty all aspects of the pregnancy and it leaves behind enough of the hcg hormone to keep a woman from ovulating and starting anew. \u00a0 Most women opt to have surgery to remove the remaining tissue. \u00a0 Some brave, patient souls wait it out- sometimes weeks, or months to let nature take its course.<\/p>\n

In the first cycles following each miscarriage, I wondered if my body was “back to normal.” \u00a0I wanted to know everything. \u00a0Was I truly ovulating? Were my hormones back to normal? \u00a0Does my body know how to rebuild again that perfect environment \u00a0that is necessary to nurture a life? \u00a0Enter: anxiety.<\/p>\n

Tony and I had a serious discussion a few nights ago. \u00a0I had been channeling my inner Monica Bing and talked about whether I felt like I was ovulating a few too many times that week. \u00a0Tony voiced his dislike of my mentioning it so often, and so started a serious discussion. \u00a0 I told him that I was miserable feeling so focused on trying again. \u00a0I hated how much power I was giving the theoretical baby in our future. He also voiced his dislike of my sense of dread and urgency surrounding trying again. \u00a0 He said that from his perspective, I was only going to be happy if I had a baby. \u00a0And that made him feel “less than, used, the means to an end.” \u00a0I remember sitting there after he said that thinking, “how in the world did I get back to this place?” \u00a0 My marriage IS enough. \u00a0This man sitting here before me deserves ALL of me- not just the half empty part of me that remains after trying to conceive. \u00a0I told him how scared I was that we would never have what most people have. \u00a0His response? \u00a0“So we travel the world for the next five years and then adopt! How much living could we do in that time instead of stressing over trying to make our own baby?” \u00a0He is right. Yes I desperately want our own baby. \u00a0But I can’t misuse the gift of life that has been given to me. \u00a0I have taken so much for granted by focusing on what I don’t have. \u00a0 I know that I need a fresh perspective= and the best one for me to revisit right now, is GRATITUDE.<\/p>\n

Later that\u00a0same night I received a sign that my body was “back to normal.” \u00a0The smiley face on my digital ovulation test appeared- and for that I am extremely grateful.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

“But no one could tell me that- the problem with infertility is that it is not a patient, serene kind of waiting, not a simple delay in your plans; it happens for many of us in the context of consuming struggle, staggering expense, devastating loss. \u00a0It’s sometimes years of trying and failing, which erodes any feelings of confidence or anticipation of a positive outcome.” \u00a0–The Art of Waiting, Belle Boggs. When I reconnected with my\u00a0breaking point last week, I knew that I needed a change. \u00a0After the first miscarriage, I wanted to get away- far away to a sandy beach somewhere. \u00a0 After finding the Calm app, and religiously practicing mindfulness and meditation each day for the entire month of February, my perspective shifted. \u00a0I learned to be OK with my surroundings. \u00a0I learned to feel OK in my own skin. \u00a0I learned to appreciate the good things that my body was doing, instead of focusing on what it didn’t do. \u00a0I learned the importance of focusing on my breathing when feeling anxious. \u00a0Mindfulness training was life changing for me during one of the most brutal times of my life. When we started trying to conceive again after that, I became so focused on TTC that my anxiety level sky rocketed one month during the TWW. (TWW stands for the two week window in between ovulation\/baby dancing and the appropriate time that you can do a pregnancy test.) \u00a0I felt completely out of control, and Tony noticed. \u00a0Coworkers noticed. \u00a0My family noticed through the sound of my voice over the phone. \u00a0 In therapy in the weeks following, I pledged that I just wanted to be OK with where my life is now. \u00a0I didn’t want to focus on the future or the things that I didn’t have. \u00a0I wanted to put my marriage first, and quit giving the theoretical baby such a strong hold over my happiness. \u00a0I wanted to know how to let go. \u00a0And I think I did okay with that. \u00a0I reconnected with pregnant friends, and built up the HOPE I\u00a0felt for the future. \u00a0 I made a Summer 2016 bucket list and lived the many joys of summertime with my better half. After the second miscarriage I felt a heavier sense of dread. \u00a0I had been doing lab work from the moment that I saw that second pink line, so I knew that my hcg levels were not optimal. \u00a0 I had more time to prepare myself for the heartache. \u00a0 I waited an entire month and then some to try to conceive again, and in that month, we continued to check things off on the bucket list. \u00a0And as much as I tried not to go back down the narrow tunnel vision rabbit hole that is fiercely trying to conceive, it just happened. \u00a0 I found myself feeling out of control last week- grieving and fearing that I would never have a child. \u00a0I gave the theoretical baby back the power over my happiness yet again. The physical aspects of miscarriage make a woman wonder if she is ever going to be able to be normal again. \u00a0First the body builds up the perfect environment for a baby and then tears it all \u00a0away when the body recognizes that the baby is not viable any longer. \u00a0Sometimes the body does not completely empty all aspects of the pregnancy and it leaves behind enough of the hcg hormone to keep a woman from ovulating and starting anew. \u00a0 Most women opt to have surgery to remove the remaining tissue. \u00a0 Some brave, patient souls wait it out- sometimes weeks, or months to let nature take its course. In the first cycles following each miscarriage, I wondered if my body was “back to normal.” \u00a0I wanted to know everything. \u00a0Was I truly ovulating? Were my hormones back to normal? \u00a0Does my body know how to rebuild again that perfect environment \u00a0that is necessary to nurture a life? \u00a0Enter: anxiety. Tony and I had a serious discussion a few nights ago. \u00a0I had been channeling my inner Monica Bing and talked about whether I felt like I was ovulating a few too many times that week. \u00a0Tony voiced his dislike of my mentioning it so often, and so started a serious discussion. \u00a0 I told him that I was miserable feeling so focused on trying again. \u00a0I hated how much power I was giving the theoretical baby in our future. He also voiced his dislike of my sense of dread and urgency surrounding trying again. \u00a0 He said that from his perspective, I was only going to be happy if I had a baby. \u00a0And that made him feel “less than, used, the means to an end.” \u00a0I remember sitting there after he said that thinking, “how in the world did I get back to this place?” \u00a0 My marriage IS enough. \u00a0This man sitting here before me deserves ALL of me- not just the half empty part of me that remains after trying to conceive. \u00a0I told him how scared I was that we would never have what most people have. \u00a0His response? \u00a0“So we travel the world for the next five years and then adopt! How much living could we do in that time instead of stressing over trying to make our own baby?” \u00a0He is right. Yes I desperately want our own baby. \u00a0But I can’t misuse the gift of life that has been given to me. \u00a0I have taken so much for granted by focusing on what I don’t have. \u00a0 I know that I need a fresh perspective= and the best one for me to revisit right now, is GRATITUDE. Later that\u00a0same night I received a sign that my body was “back to normal.” \u00a0The smiley face on my digital ovulation test appeared- and for that I am extremely grateful.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":351,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-365","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-journey-to-parenthood"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/IMG_2468.jpg?fit=4000%2C2248&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p8oEBX-5T","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/365","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=365"}],"version-history":[{"count":10,"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/365\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":412,"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/365\/revisions\/412"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/351"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=365"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=365"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=365"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}