{"id":233,"date":"2016-08-27T20:43:23","date_gmt":"2016-08-27T20:43:23","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/?p=233"},"modified":"2016-08-27T20:43:23","modified_gmt":"2016-08-27T20:43:23","slug":"miscarriage-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/2016\/08\/27\/miscarriage-2\/","title":{"rendered":"miscarriage #2"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"IMG_7831\"On Monday July 18th, I went in and had another hcg level drawn. \u00a0I was trying to stay positive despite all of the worry. \u00a0I ran a few errands and headed home. \u00a0Once I was home, I used the bathroom and there was blood when I wiped. \u00a0Not spotting anymore, but blood. \u00a0I started to lose it. \u00a0Tony happened to be at home working that day and I curled up on the couch beside him, just feeling frantic and out of control. \u00a0I refreshed my phone about every five minutes hoping for a new hcg result to post. \u00a0Finally, there it was. My level the Friday before was 186. My new level, three days later was 91. It had plummeted. \u00a0I felt numb. \u00a0And then the tears started and didn’t stop. \u00a0Tony held me and comforted me. \u00a0 He fought back tears himself. \u00a0We both just kept saying “not again…” “this is not happening again.” \u00a0 I tried to trust more this time- to put it all in God’s hands, and this is what happened. \u00a0I cried until it felt like there weren’t any more tears.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"IMG_7431\"For a couple of hours, we were the only two who knew that our baby was not going to make it. \u00a0Tony did the only thing that he felt would help. \u00a0He ordered our favorite pizza and planned to pick up that, and a giant slice of chocolate cake from the South Bend Chocolate Factory\u00a0for dinner. \u00a0I reached out to some of my support people with the news. \u00a0While he was out, I received a call from my nurse. \u00a0I could hear the timidness in her voice when she asked for me. \u00a0I told her that I’d already seen the result, and I already had cried. \u00a0 She told me how sorry she was, and that their team had really been rooting for me. \u00a0What she said next completely floored me. \u00a0She told me that no matter when the miscarriage started, even in the middle of the night, that I could call the office emergency line and they would call in a prescription for the pain. \u00a0She told me that I should not have to go through intense physical pain while dealing with such overwhelming emotional pain. \u00a0I couldn’t even get my former OBGYN practice to tell me if I would have bleeding or pain, and this practice offers to call in pain medication? \u00a0It was a relief, because I was dreading going through that pain again. \u00a0She also told me that in 2-3 weeks I would have a sit down with my physician to do a miscarriage follow up and discuss a plan. \u00a0At that moment, I started to cry. \u00a0 There was nothing else that she could have said that day that would give me so much consolation. \u00a0 I would get to sit down with the doctor in 2 weeks and discuss this? I would get to pick his brain about why he thought this was happening to me for the second time in 6 months? How amazing is this practice? \u00a0I felt so blessed. \u00a0At the end of the phone call, Tony came home with food, and we got lost in a movie and an enormous amount of calories. \u00a0I was ready to take on the pain. \u00a0It happened within two days of spotting with my first miscarriage. \u00a0Surely it would happen in the next day or so.<\/p>\n

\"IMG_7515\"<\/p>\n

But it didn’t. \u00a0I called in sick to work that next day and bought myself two more days off work in case it happened. \u00a0But it didn’t happen. \u00a0Days went by. \u00a0I was mentally and now physically prepared for this miscarriage. \u00a0What was taking so long? \u00a0I tried to stay positive, but I couldn’t help but be angry. \u00a0I not only have to lose another baby, but now I have to wait for the miscarriage to start? \u00a0I took a pregnancy test every few days and an annoyingly faint line would show up, mocking me. \u00a0 It’s still there. \u00a0It’s still not over. \u00a0On July 23rd, while I was working, it finally started. \u00a0I grabbed baby heel warmers and taped them over my ovaries, and I took 4 ibuprofen and made it through. \u00a0I requested to be on call the next day and was lucky enough to get it. \u00a0 I got to be home with Tony the next day. \u00a0 The bleeding and pain never got to be as intense as my first miscarriage. \u00a0But it went on for over a week. \u00a0A little here, and a little there- nothing as intense and brief as my first one. \u00a0And the pregnancy tests were still positive. \u00a0It was so frustrating that they were still positive because a very tiny part of me dared to HOPE that maybe I could still be pregnant. \u00a0Maybe there were two babies and I only lost one of them. \u00a0I knew that this wasn’t the case but the positive pregnancy tests completely threw me for a loop.<\/p>\n

\"IMG_7403\"I went to therapy, and yet again I was given some invaluable advice. \u00a0I told her that I didn’t know how to be HERE. \u00a0That waiting for this to be over was torturous. \u00a0That my hopes and dreams had been dashed again and now I was having to wait it out. \u00a0I was exhausted on all levels and just needed to know how to continue to be here. \u00a0She encouraged me to pretend as though I could speak to our baby. \u00a0She asked me what I wanted to say. \u00a0And I lost it. \u00a0I said that I was so sorry that I couldn’t keep the baby safe. \u00a0I was so sad that I would never get to meet our baby. \u00a0I didn’t know how to go on. \u00a0 And she helped me come up with this to say, anytime that I was feeling impatient. \u00a0“Thank you for being here. \u00a0Thank you for spending as much time as you are able to stay with me. \u00a0Thank you for representing the love that Tony and I share.” \u00a0 I also came to the conclusion that day that I would never get THIS time with THIS baby back. \u00a0That thought helped me exist through the next couple of weeks that it took before my pregnancy test was finally negative.\u00a0With another loss came more flowers and cards. \u00a0And each one meant the world to me again, as once again they were acknowledgements of our loss. \u00a0Thank you to each one of you.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

On Monday July 18th, I went in and had another hcg level drawn. \u00a0I was trying to stay positive despite all of the worry. \u00a0I ran a few errands and headed home. \u00a0Once I was home, I used the bathroom and there was blood when I wiped. \u00a0Not spotting anymore, but blood. \u00a0I started to lose it. \u00a0Tony happened to be at home working that day and I curled up on the couch beside him, just feeling frantic and out of control. \u00a0I refreshed my phone about every five minutes hoping for a new hcg result to post. \u00a0Finally, there it was. My level the Friday before was 186. My new level, three days later was 91. It had plummeted. \u00a0I felt numb. \u00a0And then the tears started and didn’t stop. \u00a0Tony held me and comforted me. \u00a0 He fought back tears himself. \u00a0We both just kept saying “not again…” “this is not happening again.” \u00a0 I tried to trust more this time- to put it all in God’s hands, and this is what happened. \u00a0I cried until it felt like there weren’t any more tears.   For a couple of hours, we were the only two who knew that our baby was not going to make it. \u00a0Tony did the only thing that he felt would help. \u00a0He ordered our favorite pizza and planned to pick up that, and a giant slice of chocolate cake from the South Bend Chocolate Factory\u00a0for dinner. \u00a0I reached out to some of my support people with the news. \u00a0While he was out, I received a call from my nurse. \u00a0I could hear the timidness in her voice when she asked for me. \u00a0I told her that I’d already seen the result, and I already had cried. \u00a0 She told me how sorry she was, and that their team had really been rooting for me. \u00a0What she said next completely floored me. \u00a0She told me that no matter when the miscarriage started, even in the middle of the night, that I could call the office emergency line and they would call in a prescription for the pain. \u00a0She told me that I should not have to go through intense physical pain while dealing with such overwhelming emotional pain. \u00a0I couldn’t even get my former OBGYN practice to tell me if I would have bleeding or pain, and this practice offers to call in pain medication? \u00a0It was a relief, because I was dreading going through that pain again. \u00a0She also told me that in 2-3 weeks I would have a sit down with my physician to do a miscarriage follow up and discuss a plan. \u00a0At that moment, I started to cry. \u00a0 There was nothing else that she could have said that day that would give me so much consolation. \u00a0 I would get to sit down with the doctor in 2 weeks and discuss this? I would get to pick his brain about why he thought this was happening to me for the second time in 6 months? How amazing is this practice? \u00a0I felt so blessed. \u00a0At the end of the phone call, Tony came home with food, and we got lost in a movie and an enormous amount of calories. \u00a0I was ready to take on the pain. \u00a0It happened within two days of spotting with my first miscarriage. \u00a0Surely it would happen in the next day or so. But it didn’t. \u00a0I called in sick to work that next day and bought myself two more days off work in case it happened. \u00a0But it didn’t happen. \u00a0Days went by. \u00a0I was mentally and now physically prepared for this miscarriage. \u00a0What was taking so long? \u00a0I tried to stay positive, but I couldn’t help but be angry. \u00a0I not only have to lose another baby, but now I have to wait for the miscarriage to start? \u00a0I took a pregnancy test every few days and an annoyingly faint line would show up, mocking me. \u00a0 It’s still there. \u00a0It’s still not over. \u00a0On July 23rd, while I was working, it finally started. \u00a0I grabbed baby heel warmers and taped them over my ovaries, and I took 4 ibuprofen and made it through. \u00a0I requested to be on call the next day and was lucky enough to get it. \u00a0 I got to be home with Tony the next day. \u00a0 The bleeding and pain never got to be as intense as my first miscarriage. \u00a0But it went on for over a week. \u00a0A little here, and a little there- nothing as intense and brief as my first one. \u00a0And the pregnancy tests were still positive. \u00a0It was so frustrating that they were still positive because a very tiny part of me dared to HOPE that maybe I could still be pregnant. \u00a0Maybe there were two babies and I only lost one of them. \u00a0I knew that this wasn’t the case but the positive pregnancy tests completely threw me for a loop. I went to therapy, and yet again I was given some invaluable advice. \u00a0I told her that I didn’t know how to be HERE. \u00a0That waiting for this to be over was torturous. \u00a0That my hopes and dreams had been dashed again and now I was having to wait it out. \u00a0I was exhausted on all levels and just needed to know how to continue to be here. \u00a0She encouraged me to pretend as though I could speak to our baby. \u00a0She asked me what I wanted to say. \u00a0And I lost it. \u00a0I said that I was so sorry that I couldn’t keep the baby safe. \u00a0I was so sad that I would never get to meet our baby. \u00a0I didn’t know how to go on. \u00a0 And she helped me come up with this to say, anytime that I was feeling impatient. \u00a0“Thank you for being here. \u00a0Thank you for spending as much time as you are able to stay with me. \u00a0Thank you for representing the love that Tony and I share.” \u00a0 I also came to the conclusion that day that I would never get THIS time with THIS baby back. \u00a0That thought helped me exist through the next couple of weeks that it took before my pregnancy test was finally negative.\u00a0With another loss came more flowers and cards. \u00a0And each one meant the world to me again, as once again they were acknowledgements of our loss. \u00a0Thank you to each one of you.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":247,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-233","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-journey-to-parenthood"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/08\/IMG_6493.jpg?fit=640%2C480&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p8oEBX-3L","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/233","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=233"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/233\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":251,"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/233\/revisions\/251"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/247"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=233"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=233"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=233"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}