{"id":135,"date":"2016-08-13T20:44:36","date_gmt":"2016-08-13T20:44:36","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/?p=135"},"modified":"2016-10-15T16:47:05","modified_gmt":"2016-10-15T16:47:05","slug":"all-of-the-feelings","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/2016\/08\/13\/all-of-the-feelings\/","title":{"rendered":"all of the feelings"},"content":{"rendered":"
In the weeks following our first miscarriage, I was an emotional train wreck, and I knew it.\u00a0 I shared what had happened with a coworker and she immediately recommended that I seek counseling.\u00a0 She gathered all of the information on our employee assistance offered through our benefits plan and I called that same day.\u00a0 I was put in touch with an incredibly helpful social worker who has helped me tremendously in my recovery. \u00a0I went weekly at first, and as the pain became less fresh, I stretched it out to every other week.\u00a0 Therapy was and is still, so beneficial for me.<\/div>\n
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\"tulips<\/div>\n
Being a nurse, I tend to think medically of the worst case scenario. \u00a0I often would say things in therapy sessions like, “what if there is something seriously wrong with me and I will never be able to have a baby?” \u00a0or “what if this happens again? I don’t know how I’ll survive. ” or “what if my body never returns to normal?” “What if this puts a huge strain on my marriage?” \u00a0She was gentle at first, but as the sessions went on, she would interrupt me from these pessimistic thoughts and simply say to me “NOW.” \u00a0 “Now is what you have control over.”<\/div>\n
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\u00a0The guilt that I felt was overwhelming some days.\u00a0 I worked out vigorously several times prior to getting my BFP. \u00a0I hoisted myself up into my husband’s F150 a few days before the spotting began.\u00a0 I lifted that 24 pack of G2 at Costco.\u00a0 I drank that cup of coffee a couple days after our BFP. \u00a0We had sex after our BFP.\u00a0 Did I do this? Did I cause this miscarriage?\u00a0 Did I worry my way into ending this pregnancy? My therapist\u00a0would ask me, “and what does your rational\/nurse brain tell you when you think these thoughts?”<\/div>\n
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\"IMG_5569\"<\/div>\n
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As a NICU nurse, I know that some women abuse drugs throughout their pregnancy and their babies are born without major complications.\u00a0 I know that some women do everything right, and their babies have difficult deliveries, or their babies are born with congenital defects.\u00a0 I know that in reality, pregnancy is a total crap shoot, and that you really have very little control over the health of your unborn child.\u00a0 My rational nurse brain tells me that none of these things CAUSED my miscarriage.\u00a0 My rational nurse brain tells me that\u00a01 in 4 people miscarry- that it is\u00a0so common.\u00a0 My rational\u00a0nurse brain tells me that genetic defects cause miscarriage. \u00a0And my faith based brain tells me that I am NOT in control.\u00a0 I do NOT have that much power.\u00a0 The greatest help that this social worker gave me was that she told me that<\/div>\n
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ALL OF MY FEELINGS WERE\u00a0OKAY.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

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But that being said, she helped guide me to the rationalization that I was not to blame for this. \u00a0 She told me “Past is shame and regret. Future is anxiety and fear. \u00a0Present is peace and power.”\u00a0 If I didn’t feel like\u00a0partaking in any social gathering ever again, that was okay.\u00a0 If I couldn’t bear to be near anyone who was pregnant for a while? That was okay.\u00a0 If the pregnancy announcements in my news feed made me want to throw my phone across the room? That was okay.\u00a0 If I broke down crying in the middle of the store? That was okay.<\/div>\n
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\"IMG_5667\"<\/div>\n
During my first session with my therapist, she asked me, “where do you want to be, or how do you want to feel at the end of these sessions?” My response was what you would expect, “I want to feel acceptance of this miscarriage and loss.” \u00a0But then I added more, “But really, I want to be more conscious of the present and be okay with where I am now. I want to find JOY\u00a0in the present.”<\/div>\n
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I had many days where I questioned if my loss even happened. \u00a0I wondered some days if I had just shoved the hurt so deep into my subconscious that I was unable to feel the sadness. \u00a0The biggest feeling that plagued me, and caused some stain on our marriage was that I didn’t want to go back to the way life was before my BFP. \u00a0 It didn’t feel ENOUGH. \u00a0It didn’t feel right. \u00a0In such a short time, we both had dreamed and schemed and planned for this little baby. \u00a0I bought glass tupperware containers so as to not microwave leftovers in plastic. \u00a0I stopped drinking my occasional glass of wine. \u00a0I stopped drinking coffee. I gave up some of my favorite foods. \u00a0I added meditation and yoga to my daily routine. \u00a0I started journaling to this baby. \u00a0I was constantly aware of this life within me, and suddenly it was gone. \u00a0 How could I possibly go back and feel that my life was as full? \u00a0Saying this out loud to my husband brought on a reality check.<\/div>\n
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\"IMG_5579\"<\/div>\n
When I told him that life didn’t seem good enough anymore, I think I really hurt him. And the thought that I hurt the one who had been there for me the most through the most awful weeks of my life- was terrible. Back when we were trying to conceive, I felt such a letdown every month when AF would arrive. Because we hadn’t added more to our life. \u00a0 Conceiving a baby and then losing it reeks havoc on the brain. I had opened my mind to endless possibilities and dared to dream, and then suddenly I was forced to find life as it was before just as exhilarating. \u00a0Well I didn’t. \u00a0And I’m not sure that my husband understood that. \u00a0 He told me that while he was incredibly devastated, his life hadn’t changed to the extent that my life had changed. \u00a0That it wasn’t nearly as much of an adjustment for him to return back to the way that things were before.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
\"IMG_7831\"<\/div>\n
I’m not sure how or when I began to think of my life as being ENOUGH again. \u00a0It didn’t happen overnight. \u00a0I remember that my first cup of coffee and my first glass of wine came with its own set of feelings. \u00a0I prayed daily that God would heal the hole I felt in my heart, and the absence that I felt in my life. \u00a0And that I would be able to focus on what I had, and not what I longed for. \u00a0What I do know is that with time I began to accept my new reality, and it happened because I accepted myself and ALL of my feelings within me.<\/div>\n
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<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In the weeks following our first miscarriage, I was an emotional train wreck, and I knew it.\u00a0 I shared what had happened with a coworker and she immediately recommended that I seek counseling.\u00a0 She gathered all of the information on our employee assistance offered through our benefits plan and I called that same day.\u00a0 I was put in touch with an incredibly helpful social worker who has helped me tremendously in my recovery. \u00a0I went weekly at first, and as the pain became less fresh, I stretched it out to every other week.\u00a0 Therapy was and is still, so beneficial for me. Being a nurse, I tend to think medically of the worst case scenario. \u00a0I often would say things in therapy sessions like, “what if there is something seriously wrong with me and I will never be able to have a baby?” \u00a0or “what if this happens again? I don’t know how I’ll survive. ” or “what if my body never returns to normal?” “What if this puts a huge strain on my marriage?” \u00a0She was gentle at first, but as the sessions went on, she would interrupt me from these pessimistic thoughts and simply say to me “NOW.” \u00a0 “Now is what you have control over.” \u00a0The guilt that I felt was overwhelming some days.\u00a0 I worked out vigorously several times prior to getting my BFP. \u00a0I hoisted myself up into my husband’s F150 a few days before the spotting began.\u00a0 I lifted that 24 pack of G2 at Costco.\u00a0 I drank that cup of coffee a couple days after our BFP. \u00a0We had sex after our BFP.\u00a0 Did I do this? Did I cause this miscarriage?\u00a0 Did I worry my way into ending this pregnancy? My therapist\u00a0would ask me, “and what does your rational\/nurse brain tell you when you think these thoughts?” As a NICU nurse, I know that some women abuse drugs throughout their pregnancy and their babies are born without major complications.\u00a0 I know that some women do everything right, and their babies have difficult deliveries, or their babies are born with congenital defects.\u00a0 I know that in reality, pregnancy is a total crap shoot, and that you really have very little control over the health of your unborn child.\u00a0 My rational nurse brain tells me that none of these things CAUSED my miscarriage.\u00a0 My rational nurse brain tells me that\u00a01 in 4 people miscarry- that it is\u00a0so common.\u00a0 My rational\u00a0nurse brain tells me that genetic defects cause miscarriage. \u00a0And my faith based brain tells me that I am NOT in control.\u00a0 I do NOT have that much power.\u00a0 The greatest help that this social worker gave me was that she told me that ALL OF MY FEELINGS WERE\u00a0OKAY. But that being said, she helped guide me to the rationalization that I was not to blame for this. \u00a0 She told me “Past is shame and regret. Future is anxiety and fear. \u00a0Present is peace and power.”\u00a0 If I didn’t feel like\u00a0partaking in any social gathering ever again, that was okay.\u00a0 If I couldn’t bear to be near anyone who was pregnant for a while? That was okay.\u00a0 If the pregnancy announcements in my news feed made me want to throw my phone across the room? That was okay.\u00a0 If I broke down crying in the middle of the store? That was okay. During my first session with my therapist, she asked me, “where do you want to be, or how do you want to feel at the end of these sessions?” My response was what you would expect, “I want to feel acceptance of this miscarriage and loss.” \u00a0But then I added more, “But really, I want to be more conscious of the present and be okay with where I am now. I want to find JOY\u00a0in the present.” I had many days where I questioned if my loss even happened. \u00a0I wondered some days if I had just shoved the hurt so deep into my subconscious that I was unable to feel the sadness. \u00a0The biggest feeling that plagued me, and caused some stain on our marriage was that I didn’t want to go back to the way life was before my BFP. \u00a0 It didn’t feel ENOUGH. \u00a0It didn’t feel right. \u00a0In such a short time, we both had dreamed and schemed and planned for this little baby. \u00a0I bought glass tupperware containers so as to not microwave leftovers in plastic. \u00a0I stopped drinking my occasional glass of wine. \u00a0I stopped drinking coffee. I gave up some of my favorite foods. \u00a0I added meditation and yoga to my daily routine. \u00a0I started journaling to this baby. \u00a0I was constantly aware of this life within me, and suddenly it was gone. \u00a0 How could I possibly go back and feel that my life was as full? \u00a0Saying this out loud to my husband brought on a reality check. When I told him that life didn’t seem good enough anymore, I think I really hurt him. And the thought that I hurt the one who had been there for me the most through the most awful weeks of my life- was terrible. Back when we were trying to conceive, I felt such a letdown every month when AF would arrive. Because we hadn’t added more to our life. \u00a0 Conceiving a baby and then losing it reeks havoc on the brain. I had opened my mind to endless possibilities and dared to dream, and then suddenly I was forced to find life as it was before just as exhilarating. \u00a0Well I didn’t. \u00a0And I’m not sure that my husband understood that. \u00a0 He told me that while he was incredibly devastated, his life hadn’t changed to the extent that my life had changed. \u00a0That it wasn’t nearly as much of an adjustment for him to return back to the way that things were before. I’m not sure how or when I began to think of my life as being ENOUGH again. \u00a0It didn’t happen overnight. \u00a0I remember that my first cup of coffee and my first glass of wine came with its own set of feelings. \u00a0I prayed daily that God would heal the hole I felt in my heart, and the absence that I felt in my life. \u00a0And that I would be able to focus on what I had, and not what I longed for. \u00a0What I do know is that with time I began to accept my new reality, and it happened because I accepted myself and ALL of my feelings within me.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":243,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-135","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-journey-to-parenthood"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/08\/IMG_7826.jpg?fit=640%2C640&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p8oEBX-2b","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/135","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=135"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/135\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":510,"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/135\/revisions\/510"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/243"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=135"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=135"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hopemeetsjoy.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=135"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}