“It is not joy that makes us grateful, it is gratitude that makes us joyful.” -David Steindl-Rast. How easy it is for us to long for something we do not have.  In a world of social media and commercials, we are bombarded by glimpses of what others possess,  Often the very first thing we do upon waking is check social media.  We might see a new car, remodeled house, skinnier body, designer hand bag, baby bump, clearer skin, luxurious vacation photos, and the list goes on.  We live in a world of air brushing and apps that whiten your selfie smiles.  We are hyper-critical of others and ourselves, often longing for our…

“But no one could tell me that- the problem with infertility is that it is not a patient, serene kind of waiting, not a simple delay in your plans; it happens for many of us in the context of consuming struggle, staggering expense, devastating loss.  It’s sometimes years of trying and failing, which erodes any feelings of confidence or anticipation of a positive outcome.”  –The Art of Waiting, Belle Boggs. When I reconnected with my breaking point last week, I knew that I needed a change.  After the first miscarriage, I wanted to get away- far away to a sandy beach somewhere.   After finding the Calm app, and religiously practicing…

I have been experiencing a second wave of grief these last few weeks.   It seemed to begin a few weeks ago at work when I broke down crying in the bathroom after a mother of my patient was given horrible news.   Hearing the gut wrenching wail that came out of her mouth reminded me my own feelings of despair, helplessness, frustration, anger and loss.   Since then, it has been as if the floodgates have opened and the tears are always welling up in the back of my eyes, waiting to overfill and fall at a moment’s notice.  I knew today, September 29th, would be hard.   I…

My lab results came back as “normal.”  The air quotes are there because a couple of things were on the higher end of “normal.”  My fasting glucose was 100 which is on the higher end of normal, so Dr. C is having me start on Metformin 1x per day with dinner.  It helps me process blood sugar which can help with healthy ovulation among many other functions.  My vitamin B12 was also elevated, and I am only currently taking a prenatal vitamin with a normal dosage of vitamin B12.   The interesting thing about B12 is that an elevated level can identify types of cancer, but it can also mean…

I have been waiting for this day- lab day, for 54 days.  It’s been 54 days since I found out that I would miscarry again.  All I’ve been able to do is wait. If something comes back out of range with my labs, maybe we can treat it or supplement before becoming pregnant again.  If my lab work looks fine, maybe it really was just bad luck that I had two miscarriages back to back.  We’ve had to prevent conception these last 54 days and will continue to prevent until we are given the OK from Dr. C.  It’s been hard to do that, but if I have to be…

Every time I share that I’ve had two miscarriages, I get asked some form of this question.  “So what’s next?” or “What do they think is wrong with you?” The second one feels like a punch to the gut every time. The next “step” I took was to sit down with my doctor (Dr. C.) to discuss our pregnancies and losses.  Tony and I had an appointment two and a half weeks following the drastic drop in my hcg level.  I don’t think many practices have “miscarriage follow up appointments,” but I am blessed to a patient in a practice that sees value in such a thing.   Tony and I…

Part of me died a little after our second miscarriage.  Part of me started to believe that our journey to parenthood would never have a happy ending.  Part of me started to despair, and part of me was just angry.  With one miscarriage, ever so common in first pregnancies, you begin to think that it’s just a fluke.  You begin to think that you are “safe” the next time around because you had your “1 in 4.”   But after two? Your fears take on a whole new level.  The fear that something is “wrong” with your body suddenly holds a little more validity.  The fear that your body won’t know…