I had the opportunity to go out for drinks with a coworker and explore a new area of Boston one night last month. She texted me the night before to see if we were still on and my first inclination was to say no and stay home instead. It would be easier to put Fiona down to bed and get comfy on the couch in my sweats next to Tony while getting lost in the latest Netflix original series.
That was a wake up call for me. I quickly texted back “of course!” and took a step back. WOAH. I NEEDED to get out. I’m a home body by nature and only get out a couple times a month where I style my hair and give too many thoughts about what outfit to dress this mom-bod in. Tony came home and I said the words out loud, “I think the more time I spend with her, the harder it becomes to know who I am without her.” It takes so much more effort to dress myself up and leave the house without the baby. Getting out of the house with her? I’ve got that down now. I rock the dry-shampoo mom bun or pony, comfy clothing with a nursing tank or button down with comfy bra (no underwired anything for this low milk supply.) I know what she needs now and we have a good routine down for getting out of the house in between her two naps. The diaper bag stays packed with a few essentials and is ready to go at a moment’s notice. I still wear her in the ergo 360 carrier anywhere we go, or we run errands with the car seat to places that have easy and free parking (yeah, scoping out free places to park is now a part of my city-living reality.) But dressing this mom-bod now? Picking out a purse instead of a diaper bag? Filling the purse with essentials that don’t involve sani-wipes or butt paste? (What did I EVER fill an entire handbag with?) Navigating public transit in a new city to find a new restaurant? That feels HARD now. (P.S. I realized while I was getting ready that night that I have no idea what the “cool kids” are wearing these days.) Mom jeans ARE in style, but I find that my ass is the last thing that I want to accentuate. My wardrobe consists of looser flowy tops and cardigans or longer, looser sweaters. The large nursing bra that once fit my fuller boobs now sticks out away from my chest like something Madonna would wear.
And as I stood in the mirror staring at someone who I struggle to recognize, that’s when it hit me. My baby doesn’t need me AS MUCH anymore. And as much as I wanted to be HERE… it’s a new chapter of parenthood that is bound to bring growing pains. For the better part of 9 months, she didn’t sleep consistently. But for a good two months now, she has slept 12+ hours at night and consistently taken 2 naps during the day. She has nearly weaned herself off of any breast milk and is OBSESSED with solid foods. The baby who once literally depended on me for nourishment and comfort is pulling back. That means that I feel like I can finally BREATHE reflect on how my life is now. We were in survival mode for nearly 10 months, dealing with different age appropriate challenges and then we moved to a big city and adapted to a very different lifestyle. At 11 months post-partum, I no longer feel like motherhood has punched me in the face. I no longer feel like I’m out of control. I no longer feel like every decision I make is going to monumentally affect my child. She’s becoming her own human- with her own personality and her own desires, and that gives me enough freedom to start to be more MYSELF again.
But who am I NOW? Pre-Fiona, I loved crafting, redoing furniture, worked out using beach body dvd’s, made time for daily mindfulness and meditation and went on regular date nights with Tony. Since Fiona was born, I’ve completed 2 furniture projects and sewed some curtain panels for our living room. I’ve maybe done 20? home workouts in almost a year and Tony and I have been out a total of 4 times by ourselves. (twice for a legit date night, one night for a wedding, and one out of town trip for another wedding he was in.) We told each other before Fiona came into this world that we would put each other first. Marriage first, then baby. We knew that she would have to be #1 for a while initially but then we wanted life to shift back to putting US first, because ultimately our marriage would be stronger that way. And I MISS my husband. I miss the relationship that we used to have. Our relationship has transformed into something deeper and stronger, but I miss the guy who I used to grab beers with. I truly feel like I’ve lost myself in motherhood- and while that was perfectly acceptable for the time being, I want more for myself now.
It hit me that night, that while I absolutely LOVE my time with Fiona- I kind of feel like all I do lately is go to work three nights a week and mom-so-hard the rest of the time that I’m not at work. This IS the life of a working mom, yes- but suddenly it’s not enough. While my daughter takes her two naps (about 90 min- 2 hours TOTAL for both) I have choices: dishes, laundry, shower, workout, put on make up, food prep, nap, call a friend, or sit and chill. If I spend too long deciding what to do, I get nothing done. I’ve been a terrible nap taker my whole life, so I generally do not even attempt to “sleep when the baby is sleeping.” Working out always sounds like a good idea, but involves at least 30 minutes dedicated to working out and working out alone. What I generally do during her nap time is a myriad of craziness all at once. I start laundry, then start dishes, throw something on the stove for when she wakes up, meal prep (Fiona now eats 3 meals per day. If I’m lucky, there’s a little extra time to throw on some much needed concealer and mascara and run a brush through my mop. And other times? It’s necessary to just CHILL. Furniture redos? Those require a chunk of dedicated time that I don’t usually have in my day. Crafting? Maybe if I prep something ahead of time I might be able to finish SOMETHING during her nap. So right now I waver between household duties and taking time to chill while she is napping. My goal in the near future is to try to get dressed for a workout and even go so far as to have it ready in the DVD player so all I have to do is push play once she goes down for her nap. I have just been lacking the motivation lately to do so. And it’s honestly OKAY- it’s sweatpants season after all.
A fellow mom friend of mine asked me recently “what are you doing for yourself lately?” Does showering count? I said that I was TRYING to get back into daily meditation and that every now and then Tony encourages me to get out for drinks with some friends. I WANTED to get back into blogging and do something more creative with my daily routine but I was kind of stuck. And these are goals that I’m doing my best to take seriously.
In terms of the mom-bod, my first step needs to be acceptance and appreciation. I have body-shamed my ENTIRE life beginning in my adolescence and even took it to extremes. I first started weight watchers in high school while my mom was doing it and became obsessed with seeing the numbers fall on the scale. It took YEARS to not think about every piece of food that I put into my mouth, and even longer still to be okay with how I looked. And then I had this super cute baby bump that I longed to have for years… and then that cute bump went away and suddenly those super cute snug fitting maternity tops were tight in all the wrong places and I noticed how much bigger my hips had become. It wasn’t until 6 months post partum that I felt “good” about the way that I looked because my pre-pregnancy jeans finally buttoned! I definitely was not one of those people who lost a lot of weight just from breastfeeding. And then came the holidays and now I just feel stuck in a rut. But I have to remember that this “mom-bod” grew, nourished and delivered a human life last year, and then continued to nourish and provide for that life for the next 11 months and counting. This mom-bod will never be the same, and I need to accept that. In many ways, my body is weaker. I feel that I have a decreased immune system since becoming pregnant. My muscles are weaker, and my hair has broken off around my hair line. But I’d do it all again in a heartbeat.
So how do I get back to me? I don’t. It’s not possible. What I CAN do- is listen to the current desires of my heart and to ask for help to make them become a reality. I want to make an effort to be healthier when I feel motivated by positive reasons, not in an effort to body shame less. My little girl absorbs the energy around me, hears the words that come out of my mouth and sees the glances I make at myself in the mirror. I do not want to pass on shame, doubt and lack of confidence to her as she grows up.
long term identity goals: improve self-image by adding more positive self talk, gain muscle strength and make better choices in the kitchen. Find a way to be creative at least once a month doing some kind of project. Learn to appreciate the girl that I see in the mirror.
short term identity goals: plan to complete a craft or furniture piece and ask Tony to help make it happen (time wise.) Buy new bra when the next chance arrives- one that doesn’t involve easy access, nursing clips or lack of underwire support. Start daily meditation again using CALM app- it only takes 2+ minutes per day. (Can be done on the bus on the way home or as I crawl into bed.) Continue to wear REAL clothes every now and then and grab dinner with friends. Schedule the next date night and book babysitter.
