Our Irish Surprise

In the month leading up to our Irish vacation, I had never felt so much stress, sadness and excitement all at once.  My emotions were all over the place- between being completely exhausted from packing, and emotionally drained from saying goodbye to my family of coworkers, I was kind of a mess.  Add a day trip to Kansas City for a mandatory health physical for my new job, which entailed a 4 hour round trip drive to Midway from South Bend, renting a car in Kansas City and two flights, and I was spent.  Tony didn’t have it any better as he defended his dissertation and wrapped up his requirements at Notre Dame.  Besides that cognitive feat, he spent all of his free time helping either pack up our house, his parents’ house (they moved into our house while we were in Ireland) or meeting endless buyers at local gas stations who were interested in buying some of the stuff we didn’t want to move.  He was a work horse right up until the moment we left for Ireland.

I remember telling my therapist, and countless friends and family members in June and early July that if it took us a while to have a baby, that was okay.  Maybe it was everything else that I felt I had to focus on, or the 20 months of trying to conceive, but I was just straight up over it.  I had the option to go through follicle stimulating medications and follicle study ultrasounds again one more time in the month following my surgery before we moved away.  But in my heart I didn’t want to.  We didn’t need any more stress or pressure on us during such a crazy few weeks leading up to our move.  As I said this to my therapist, I got emotional. I had been praying to be HERE- to think like THIS.  I had been praying to “not care” and give it to God, to truly believe that it was in His hands- not mine, to believe that I was not in control.  And here I was- 20 months into this journey, finally in the mindset that I longed for the better part of a year to be in.  It felt amazing to be in that moment and to realize how far I had come.

Ireland was exactly what we hoped it would be! After packing our house up completely and loading it into pods, we were in need of a vacation. I did have a few moments of “why in the world would we add a trip out of the country to our stress right now?!” But in the end- it proved to be exactly what we needed.

So back to the Irish surprise.

I was due to start my cycle sometime in the middle of our vacation. I have to confess that when I was one day late, I didn’t think anything of it. I was cramping on and off, and knew that it was probably coming. But then I was two days late, and on the third day I was feeling anxious about drinking and became annoyed that all my old feelings of “what if I am pregnant?” were plaguing my brain and taking away from my enjoyment of vacation.  On Saturday morning, July 15th, I woke up very early and couldn’t stop thinking about it.  We had a longer day of driving ahead of us, driving from Inch Beach to Clonakilty for our stay at the super swank Inchydoney Island Lodge and Spa.  The day before, while on our bus ride to Dingle we had passed a church and grotto that Tony really wanted to find again.  So after our full Irish breakfast we jumped in our rental car and headed back towards Dingle in search of the grotto.  We found it fairly easily, despite being in settled in a dense Irish fog.  It truly was a smaller scale version of the grotto at Notre Dame, which is modeled after the grotto in Lourdes.  Before we got out of the car, I turned to Tony and asked him if we could continue to drive to Dingle next (which was in the opposite direction Clonakilty) to stop at the grocery store on the edge of town so I could run in and buy a pregnancy test.  I told him that I just had to know.  He said yes, of course.  We went into the Irish church and found it empty, yet inviting. We walked to the front of the church and lit a candle, then knelt down to say a prayer.  I prayed that we would be strong, no matter what the test showed.  At this point, I knew that I would be super disappointed if it was negative, but I was equally in disbelief that I actually was pregnant if it was positive.  And if I was, I knew that there was no guarantee that this pregnancy would end any differently than our last two. But I prayed for strength and trust, that no matter what the results, that I would continue to enjoy this time with Tony in one of the most magical places on earth.

We drove on to Dingle, and found it to be even more packed with tourists and buses than the previous day.  Tony found a scarce parking spot in the grocery parking lot and I ran in- thinking that a pregnancy test would be easy to find.  I found the aisle that it should have been in- and found the space for the pregnancy tests to be above my line of sight and empty! Feeling defeated, I walked up to a cashier for help.  She must have seen the distress on my face and asked me with her thick Irish accent, “whatever is the matter?”  I told her that I really needed a pregnancy test, and she got this look in her eye that I can’t quite describe.  It was hopeful, understanding and motherly, with a small dose of urgency at the same time.  She popped up and took me down the aisle where I had looked and confirmed they they were indeed sold out. When she saw the disappointment on my face, she lit up and said “but the pharmacy next door will have them!” So after thanking her, I took off “next door” and found a coffee shop. Next door to that I found a shoe shop. What did this lady mean by “next door?” I’m a literal American! As luck would have it, I remembered seeing a pharmacy up the road a bit the day before when we were walking around. I headed in that direction and found it easily. But once inside, I didn’t see any pregnancy tests anywhere. As I approached the pharmacist at the counter to ask, I saw them- beautiful Clearblue digital tests- with projected weeks calculator as well! He asked me if I needed one or two.

HA.

I bought two and he wished me “good luck.” Seriously.  I suddenly realized then how crazy this all was! I couldn’t be, could I? Finding out if we had gotten lucky in Ireland? Stop. It couldn’t be true.  I headed back to the car where Tony was waiting and we headed to Clonakilty.

I didn’t pee the entire drive, wanting it to be a concentrated sample when I tested.  By the time our room was ready for check in, I was in pain! I sprinted to the bathroom and began to take the test. Tony was laid out on the king size bed, with a view of the ocean looking at the hotel spa brochures. I recapped the test and joined him on the bed, the test blinking it’s little hour glass figure at us.  Suddenly, next to the blinking hour glass appeared a word that hadn’t seen on a test in over a year. PREGNANT.

Holy. All. Things. Irish.

The blinking kept going and then more words. “2-3 weeks.” I scanned through the test instructions and read that the weeks were weeks “post ovulation” not weeks pregnant. I looked back and my calendar and did some math- yes! That’s right when I would have ovulated.

Disbelief.

Joy.

Shock.

Disbelief.

Fear.

Joy.

Holy. All. Things. Irish. The Cunninghams were pregnant again!

Tony couldn’t believe it either.  I thought about the last year and how devastated I felt each month when I realized that we weren’t pregnant.  I thought of the follicle studies, the lab draws, the surgery, the recovery.  I thought of all of the prayer and the times where I questioned my faith, wondering if I would ever be pregnant again.  Further still, I thought of the last two times where I saw the word “pregnant,” pop up on the pregnancy test display, wondering each time if our baby was strong that time.  Each of those times I experienced spotting right around the time of testing.   This time? I had none.  Could that mean that this one might be different? 

I needed air.  We walked the beach and the clouds and mist began to roll in.  I was so scared, but so filled with HOPE at the same time.  How magical it was to find out in Ireland!  I wrote “Baby C. 3.0” in the sand and watched as the tide rolled in over it.   Standing on that beach in Clonakilty, it suddenly all made sense.   I remember thinking to myself, “Okay God.  I get it.  I was supposed to be HERE in this beautiful place, with my amazing husband by my side.  We were always meant to take this trip.  And we were always meant to have this time- our time of “trying” to get pregnant, our period of “waiting” to grow and strengthen our relationship.  We were always meant to be exactly where we were because it was part of the journey.  It was part of OUR journey, our beautiful struggle to become parents.  Though the future of this baby remained uncertain that day, I truly felt a sense of understanding and it brought me to tears.

BABY CUNNINGHAM – due March 20th, 2018