blogiversary

One year ago I shared my deepest feelings to honor Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Today is my one year “blogiversary” and yet I feel like I have lived through a lifetime in this year. Before compiling this post, I read through my “coming out” post from one year ago, and decided to repost the link at the end of this one. I poured my heart and soul into those words and feel that I can’t recap what P.A.I.L. means to me any better than I did that day.

For those of you who might not know my story, my husband and I had two miscarriages in 2016. It put a huge strain on our hearts, our marriage and our dream of one day having a family. We had to make a daily choice to support each others’ feelings and exhibit patience when on the days that were just hard. I originally began this blog as a private place to express my feelings, and felt the courage to share it on October 15th, 2016. Clicking “post” and “share” one year ago today left me feeling nauseated, shaky, uncertain and extremely vulnerable. In the hours, days and weeks that followed, I received countless messages from close friends and family to old friends, extended family and friends of friends. Some fellow sisters opened up to me about their own silent struggle with loss, and some just applauded me for sharing my story. It was by far the scariest thing that I’ve ever done, but I have to say that in doing so I came to feel the embrace of the sisterhood of fellow P.A.I.L victims.

What I’ve learned in this past year is that experiencing P.A.I.L. does not mean that you are exempt from having your heart broken again, or sometimes even again after that. It means that you might begin to question your very purpose on this Earth. It means that you might wonder if you will ever have what some people take for granted. It means that your relationships with the ones you love the most are challenged by new perspectives and truths. It means that your next pregnancy might be filled with a constant sense of dread, mind controlling fear and distrust. It means that even the most optimistic person might just have a lower threshold for how much joy they are able to feel if that double pink line shows up on that test again. It means being hesitant to open your wounded heart up to the possibility of loving another life. It means that the heart just hurts some days, even years after loss. And the hurt, sometimes just can’t be put into words.

Some women view their loss as a ball of tissue, while others lose a life that began at conception. Some women hold their babies in their arms as they take their final breaths and others long to feel justified in their grief if their loss happened prior to their first ultrasound. Whatever your personal experience with loss might be, it is a loss just the same. Your loss represents the dream that was snatched away from you, leaving you feeling like there might have been more that you could have done to prevent it.

1 in 4 women experience the heart break that is Pregnancy and Infant Loss. Pregnancy and infant loss is not selective. It happens in all countries, at all ages, in all types of women- healthy and unhealthy. It happens during birth sometimes. It happens in the earliest weeks of pregnancy. It happens for no known reason during the middle of pregnancy. It happens after a premature birth and weeks of fighting to survive in the NICU. It happens a week after going home. Pregnancy and infant loss just happens sometimes.

No matter what your personal opinion may be on the matter, know that it deeply wounds your friends, sisters, cousins, coworkers, neighbors etc. and take the time to educate yourself on how to support them if it does. Do not say things like “well at least you can get pregnant” or “everything happens for a reason” or “there was probably something wrong.” Instead, offer your condolences for their loss and the acknowledge the heartache that plagues them. If you can’t find the words, send a card or flowers like you would if they lost a family member- because they did. Acknowledge their grief by honoring the life and the dream that they lost. P.A.I.L. exists. It’s ugly, it’s heartbreaking and it’s unfair.

We are remembering our two little ones today, HOPE and JOY and the millions more who are affected by Pregnancy and Infant Loss. May those little lives, and the lives of those who love them fiercely find peace in knowing that they are not alone.

Read my original post here: