waiting

Lately, I’ve been fighting the “meh” that I feel every winter.  Every January, post Christmas and pre-birthday I struggle against the lack of sun and cabin fever that makes me want to curl up into a ball and go on a strike against any form of “adulting.” Then February arrives and I add a few touches of red and pink around the house and look forward to seeing friends around my birthday.   But the past few February’s have not been nice to me.  February 2016:  car accident- hit head on because some guy on his cell phone ran a red light.  February 2017:  First miscarriage. No other words are necessary.  February 2018:  I turn 30 years old.   Gulp.  And on February 17th at 10:00, Tony will get an email telling us where we will be moving to this summer.   A new chapter will begin, and we will say goodbye to our life as we know it now.

I have a broad spectrum of emotions running through me this week.  I feel excited to adventure to a new city with my husband and dog family.  Sometimes change can spice things up, and with the last eighteen-months of trying to start a family, we could use a little more spice.  But that change comes with the caveat that I will have to say goodbye to the job that I love, and more importantly, some of the best coworkers I’ve ever had.   Leaving Lurie Children’s in Chicago was tough, but I knew I would stay friends with a close few, and I have.   But leaving the women I currently work with, who have been there for me on this “journey to parenthood,” is going to be much harder.  And February 17th will make that much more of a reality than I’ve let myself grasp up until now.  I’ll have to apply for nursing licenses, jobs, interview (if I’m lucky) and find a place to live!  I’m nervous for all of that.

Some of the highlights of the last month included a near 60 degree day that the dogs and I took full advantage of! We also got to meet our sweet newest nephew, Jacob.  I connected with an old acquaintance who had also had two miscarriages in 2016.  It was a very healing conversation for both of us, and we are texting each other well wishes and positive vibes regularly.  Tony and I had a couple of nice date nights at a few local faves.  I helped throw an adoption “baby” shower for a friend who has been on the journey to parenthood far longer than I have been.  She and her husband are going to foster to adopt 3 siblings in the next month.  I am also thoroughly enjoying the dog-momming lately, now that Teddy no longer fits my earlier diagnosis of “failure to thrive.”  They are best friends and chase each other all over the house before curling up next to us.  

In the realm of TTC, we decided that we would add clomid this cycle to see if that would make any difference for us.  In my mind, it is the least invasive thing we can do, and really just optimizes egg health.  I had an ultrasound (follicle study) in late January to confirm that I was producing eggs after taking the clomid- and I was.  We can add a trigger shot next month if we are unsuccessful this cycle, forcing ovulation when the timing is right in case my body is not releasing the egg at an optimal time.  After that, the next step would be I.U.I., (intrauterine insemination.) I would do the trigger shot, and 24 hours later Tony would give a sample that would be injected directly into my uterus.   It is not cheap- but it has worked for several friends.  I’m playing around with the idea too that I plan to have surgery before we move if we are unsuccessful in conceiving in the next few months.  I do feel that it is highly possible that I have endometriosis.  The only way that it can be 100% diagnosed is if I have an exploratory procedure.  If endo is found, it is removed.  It is scar tissue that can form on the ovaries, bladder, bowel, fallopian tubes, etc.  In severe cases, it lines the uterus itself and can make implantation impossible and in more severe cases, that tissue can be a great breeding ground for cancer.  Since it is highly likely that I will have a gap in insurance coverage when I switch jobs,  and that I would have to change doctors, I want to do the surgery before we move.  I’ve known many women in this area who have had the surgery and go on to have successful pregnancies, and I want to give us the best chance to have that before moving.

I also feel in DIRE need of a vacation! Due to the lingering scare of Zika virus, our choices are very limited for a late spring warm beach getaway.  We would have done the all-inclusive getaway in Mexico at least twice since trying to become parents, but we’ve stayed away from there, and any other all-inclusive destination because it just isn’t worth it to us to risk it.  We even have to miss a super awesome friend’s wedding in Cancun in May because of stupid Zika. Why is there no cure yet?  I’m currently investigating Myrtle Beach, Northern Florida destinations (according to the CDC website, all of Florida is okay except for Miami county) and Southern California options for late May.  I feel as though as a couple, we need it.  Pre-move and mid-TTC struggle, we need a reset, and in my opinion, there is no better place to do that than on a beach.  Have I mentioned before that I love the beach?

In the meantime, I’m keeping very busy in the crafting/baby shower decorations/ NICU shifts aspect of my life, trying to stay positive and trusting that there is a plan for all of this that will make sense one day.

Here’s hoping!

Kate