I’ve learned in these past months that if you try ignore an emotion, feeling or thought, it comes back around in full force. Science tells us that anxiety triggers a release of stress hormone, called cortisol which raises blood pressure, heart rate and sometimes releases adrenaline. When you try ignore a scary thought or reality, your brain sends another message to your stress response system and sends out a stronger wave of cortisol in the attempt to get you to pay attention. Ignore it again, and you will face a stronger wave and so on. This is how a worrisome thought can lead to a panic attack.
I’ve had my moments in these last months where I felt completely overwhelmed and consumed by this journey. And after much reflection, I’ve come to realize that at the root of these feelings lies fear. The fear of what? The fear that I will not be able to carry our biological child because something is “wrong.” The struggle to acknowledge this fear and trust that no matter what happens, I will feel fulfilled in this life, is real. The fear is there. It’s big. It’s scary.
When I look at my life through the perspective that life is exciting and contains endless possibilities, I’m okay. When I reflect on my blessings, I realize that I’m so blessed to have found Tony, a passionate career, hobbies to give purpose to the creative side of my brain, and a comfortable home, I am more than okay. But at times I wonder, will I always be okay with “just” this? Will this life be enough?
And that’s the crazy thing. This life will never be enough. This life was never meant to be enough. My faith was very strong growing up, and like most adolescents and young adults, I had to reaffirm and take hold of my beliefs again later in my life. It wasn’t always what it is today. Believing in a higher power has helped me let go in those times when I feel the fear taking hold of me. I’m not in control. I do not determine my life path. Sure, I can make choices and decisions that can alter my path, but the big things are already there. The big things are mapped out. When the fear comes up, sometimes incredibly briefly, I try to remember to face it. When I hear about someone who has faced even more difficulty than I have on their journey to parenthood, my first thought is, “oh my gosh, what if I have to go through that?” But then I try to tell myself this: “that is not me.” My life is unique and individual to me. 
The Calm app has a “7 days of reducing anxiety” that is amazing. I’ve done it at least 4 times now. On day 5, Tamara Lovett says this, “What we resist, persists- working with acceptance to investigate these feelings can actually relieve some of the symptoms of anxiety.” So I know now to face this fear. I know now to acknowledge those thoughts when they creep up into the back of my mind. I’ve learned to not be ashamed that I have to remind myself over and over to not let the fear get the best of me. If I accept that it is there, it is so much easier to focus on the good.
A sweet friend sent me a “love, luck and fertility” bracelet with little positive vibe cards back this spring. One of the little cards says “HOPE” on the front (I received this after deciding on the name HOPE… totally gave me goosebumps), and when you open the inside, it reads this quote:
“You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith.” -Mary Manin Morrissey
How true that is!
