don’t give the theoretical baby all the power

“But no one could tell me that- the problem with infertility is that it is not a patient, serene kind of waiting, not a simple delay in your plans; it happens for many of us in the context of consuming struggle, staggering expense, devastating loss.  It’s sometimes years of trying and failing, which erodes any feelings of confidence or anticipation of a positive outcome.”  –The Art of Waiting, Belle Boggs.

When I reconnected with my breaking point last week, I knew that I needed a change.  After the first miscarriage, I wanted to get away- far away to a sandy beach somewhere.   After finding the Calm app, and religiously practicing mindfulness and meditation each day for the entire month of February, my perspective shifted.  I learned to be OK with my surroundings.  I learned to feel OK in my own skin.  I learned to appreciate the good things that my body was doing, instead of focusing on what it didn’t do.  I learned the importance of focusing on my breathing when feeling anxious.  Mindfulness training was life changing for me during one of the most brutal times of my life.

When we started trying to conceive again after that, I became so focused on TTC that my anxiety level sky rocketed one month during the TWW. (TWW stands for the two week window in between ovulation/baby dancing and the appropriate time that you can do a pregnancy test.)  I felt completely out of control, and Tony noticed.  Coworkers noticed.  My family noticed through the sound of my voice over the phone.   In therapy in the weeks following, I pledged that I just wanted to be OK with where my life is now.  I didn’t want to focus on the future or the things that I didn’t have.  I wanted to put my marriage first, and quit giving the theoretical baby such a strong hold over my happiness.  I wanted to know how to let go.  And I think I did okay with that.  I reconnected with pregnant friends, and built up the HOPE I felt for the future.   I made a Summer 2016 bucket list and lived the many joys of summertime with my better half.

After the second miscarriage I felt a heavier sense of dread.  I had been doing lab work from the moment that I saw that second pink line, so I knew that my hcg levels were not optimal.   I had more time to prepare myself for the heartache.   I waited an entire month and then some to try to conceive again, and in that month, we continued to check things off on the bucket list.  And as much as I tried not to go back down the narrow tunnel vision rabbit hole that is fiercely trying to conceive, it just happened.   I found myself feeling out of control last week- grieving and fearing that I would never have a child.  I gave the theoretical baby back the power over my happiness yet again.

The physical aspects of miscarriage make a woman wonder if she is ever going to be able to be normal again.  First the body builds up the perfect environment for a baby and then tears it all  away when the body recognizes that the baby is not viable any longer.  Sometimes the body does not completely empty all aspects of the pregnancy and it leaves behind enough of the hcg hormone to keep a woman from ovulating and starting anew.   Most women opt to have surgery to remove the remaining tissue.   Some brave, patient souls wait it out- sometimes weeks, or months to let nature take its course.

In the first cycles following each miscarriage, I wondered if my body was “back to normal.”  I wanted to know everything.  Was I truly ovulating? Were my hormones back to normal?  Does my body know how to rebuild again that perfect environment  that is necessary to nurture a life?  Enter: anxiety.

Tony and I had a serious discussion a few nights ago.  I had been channeling my inner Monica Bing and talked about whether I felt like I was ovulating a few too many times that week.  Tony voiced his dislike of my mentioning it so often, and so started a serious discussion.   I told him that I was miserable feeling so focused on trying again.  I hated how much power I was giving the theoretical baby in our future. He also voiced his dislike of my sense of dread and urgency surrounding trying again.   He said that from his perspective, I was only going to be happy if I had a baby.  And that made him feel “less than, used, the means to an end.”  I remember sitting there after he said that thinking, “how in the world did I get back to this place?”   My marriage IS enough.  This man sitting here before me deserves ALL of me- not just the half empty part of me that remains after trying to conceive.  I told him how scared I was that we would never have what most people have.  His response?  “So we travel the world for the next five years and then adopt! How much living could we do in that time instead of stressing over trying to make our own baby?”  He is right. Yes I desperately want our own baby.  But I can’t misuse the gift of life that has been given to me.  I have taken so much for granted by focusing on what I don’t have.   I know that I need a fresh perspective= and the best one for me to revisit right now, is GRATITUDE.

Later that same night I received a sign that my body was “back to normal.”  The smiley face on my digital ovulation test appeared- and for that I am extremely grateful.