While I was in Dallas actively practicing the struggle of letting go, I came to the conclusion that there was one thing that I was still worrying about. I wasn’t happy with my OBGYN practice. They didn’t believe in checking my progesterone level despite my mother’s history of needing progesterone and my first miscarriage. I had heard and seen many good things about another physician who delivers at my hospital and decided to call to get an appointment. This physician belongs to a small practice of wonderful people who desire to treat the entire being-not just the uterus, as they believe that nutrition, stress management, exercise and desire to achieve pregnancy are equally as important as the other. I was lucky to get an appointment for early July and went in on a Friday to meet with this physician’s nurse practitioner. I wasn’t feeling great that morning. I had taken another negative pregnancy test just prior to my appointment because I was experiencing cramping and spotting that week, but hadn’t started my period. I wondered if it was implantation spotting and cramping again, but the negative pregnancy test seemed to silence that thought. I teared up when the nurse practitioner asked me about my loss, and she made me feel like I was the only patient she had that day. She recommended doing a panel of “wellness labs” to see if there was anything off balance that needed to be corrected before achieving pregnancy again, and reassured me that the second I got pregnant, they would call me in a progesterone supplement while they waited for my progesterone level to come back. I felt relief. I told her that I would get the labs drawn that next Monday because I wanted as many answers as I could get.
We headed to the Chicago suburbs the next day to visit my 94 year old grandma and played scrabble outside. It was lovely to see her and one of my favorite Uncles. After that visit, we drove to Chicago to spend the night and next day with our nephew and Tony’s sister and brother in law. On the way to Chicago I felt overwhelmingly car sick. I had to roll down the window and pop a mint in my mouth to keep from throwing up. I also had to pee frequently that day. I felt that something was off, but having already been through a miscarriage I was leaning away from the hope that I was pregnant. We stayed Saturday night and Sunday in Chicago, enjoying family time, and headed home Sunday night. I could barely keep my eyes open that evening and headed to bed early. My bladder woke me up at 3:00 in the morning and couldn’t resist taking another pregnancy test. It was my first pee of the day, and my period was now officially late so it should definitely show up on this test if I was pregnant. I prayed as I waited for this test to show a result. I prayed that if I was pregnant, that it would be a healthy pregnancy this time and I would have less doubt and trust more that things were okay. I got down on my knees when I prayed this, with anticipation running through every cell in my body. I sat up against the wall of the bathroom and looked down at the test. I started crying and smiling at the same time. It was positive. After 4 cycles, riding an emotional roller coaster for 4 months, therapy, trying too hard, growing in faith and praying constantly, I was pregnant again. It would have been so wonderful to just be happy in that moment. But for every ounce of JOY I felt, there was also fear, anxiety and caution present too. I texted two of my miscarriage sisters immediately and just asked them for their prayers. And then I couldn’t go back to sleep. I went downstairs and netflixed/journaled until 8:00am when my doctor’s office opened. I called first thing and left a message for my doctor’s nurse that I was pregnant and that I wanted to get a Beta-hcg and progesterone level drawn, and a progesterone supplement, just in case. It felt like an eternity passed before she called back, but it was only a couple of hours. She called in an order for my progesterone and sent an order to the lab for my levels as requested. I felt so grateful for the timing of all of this! One week earlier, and I would have had to continue my care under a practice that didn’t believe in checking my progesterone level. I would have had to continue going to a practice where I was just a number, where I didn’t really receive the attention I wanted after losing my first pregnancy. I felt worried that day, but blessed at the same time- God’s timing was impeccable, and that day… I was pregnant!
