That weekend Tony and I continued to chip away at our #summerbucketlist16. On it was “dining alfresco.” We celebrated our 3rd anniversary at The Carriage House in South Bend. It is an old church, converted into an upscale restaurant that boasts a southern vibe. In the summer, you can dine outside in their gardens and listen to live music. We headed there for dinner Saturday night, as the weather was perfect! We walked the gardens and listened to the guitarist while we waited for our dinners to arrive. I remember telling Tony, “Maybe it will be okay. Maybe my level will quadruple on Monday.” For that weekend, we were pregnant. This baby was due March 16, 2017. Tony and I got engaged on March 17th (St. Patrick’s Day) and I couldn’t help but hope that it our due date would bring good luck.
We enjoyed date night, and then headed to the grotto at Notre Dame to pray for our rainbow baby. I felt some peace, but also felt some unease still. I wondered about the cramping sensation and the spotting. Could this baby still be trying to implant? Should I start taking baby Aspirin just in case? I wanted to do everything I could do to help this baby, and at the same time I wanted to let go- and let God be in control.
The next morning we attended church and I remember just feeling exhausted. There was so much worry and so much hope at the same time and it was overwhelmingly draining. I had the courage to stop praying for this baby to make it, and start praying for God’s will to be done. I was too worked up about the survival of this pregnancy and not focused enough about doing God’s will. Though it pained me to pray it at the time, I gave it up to God and prayed that His will- not mine be done. I felt mildly relieved. I felt that it was no longer up to me (as it never is)- that it was entirely in God’s hands (as it always is) and that I could just BE. It was so emotional that morning, but it felt good. It felt like I stopped fighting against forces that I had no control over. “Your will be done” became my mantra for those next 24 hours in between church and my next lab appointment.
