What is a “rainbow baby?”
Google defines a ‘rainbow baby’ as “a baby that is born following a miscarriage, still birth, neonatal death or infant loss. In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives HOPE of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.”
On Monday, 7.11.16, I found out I was pregnant with our rainbow baby. I drove to the lab, had my hcg and progesterone drawn, picked up my progesterone and headed home to rest, and await test results. My amazing doctor’s office called me that afternoon with my levels. My first hcg was 57. My heart sank. 57? That seemed so low to me. No wonder my first pregnancy test didn’t show up as positive. The nurse reassured me that one level by itself means nothing, and that we would see what it did in 48 hours. For those of you who don’t know, your hcg hormone (the one that shows up on a home pregnancy test) doubles every 48 hours in the early weeks of pregnancy. My progesterone level was “borderline,” so my nurse recommended staying on the daily supplementation if that was okay with me. I told her that she couldn’t pay me any amount of money to stop taking it. That’s the thing about progesterone- it’s the predominant hormone in your first trimester of pregnancy and if you have too little… it’s very bad. You can’t have “too much” progesterone. I was experiencing some mild cramping that week still, but no spotting. I googled cramping during early pregnancy again and was again reminded that it CAN be normal during those early weeks.
That night I felt a little discouraged with my low hcg level, but as the nurse told me, maybe I just implanted later than I thought, or maybe we conceived later than I thought. On Wednesday 7.13 I went into the lab attached to my hospital to have another level drawn. I was feeling extremely nauseated that morning and was very encouraged by that feeling! That afternoon, I was able to see the level online. It went from 57 to 109. It was a few points short of doubling, but I was ecstatic! Maybe this was going to be okay after all! My nurse encouraged me to go again Friday, which I was happy to do. I got to discharge two little NICU twins that day who are extremely close to my heart. Their mother, who survived two miscarriages herself, is now a friend who encouraged me daily as much as I hope I encouraged her! I got to send her home after weeks and weeks of living in the NICU and told her as we were walking out that I was pregnant. She celebrated with me and continued to be in touch as the days went on. She strengthened my faith and helped me believe that week! (Thanks a million L.P.!)
Every morning as I am eating my egg white omelette and turkey bacon, I read my daily excerpt from Jesus Calling. The 7.15 reading was meant for me that day. “Do not worry about tomorrow!” I drove to work that morning hopeful, with a plan to trust more that day. I went in and got my level drawn after getting report on my patients. I prayed that my hcg would double, and I could enjoy this pregnancy in the upcoming weekend without worry. I was fully embracing HOPE that afternoon that everything was okay, and took time to enjoy the blessing of another pregnancy, and another opportunity to bring our child into this world. It was my third 12 hour shift in a row that day, and by the end of the afternoon I was feeling it. Frustratingly enough, our entire hospital electronic medical record went down that day, so I wasn’t sure if I would be able to see my lab result from that morning or not. But at 4:30 pm I was able to see it. It should have been 218, but my level was only 186. Still a rise, but not a great one. A feeling of complete dread washed over me. Was this really a sign of another miscarriage to come? I had hardly been able to enjoy the thought of this baby and here it was- more doubt. My nurse called within minutes of my seeing the result and I ducked into the hallway to talk to her. She was still encouraging, but I could hear a little more unease in her voice than last time. She said that it was good that it was still rising. She said to go again on Monday, and hopefully we would see another rise. I confided in a coworker what was going on, as my mood obviously changed for the rest of my shift. (Thanks for being there P.E.!) The next time I went to the bathroom, I noticed that I had started spotting. Not a lot. But this was the first spotting I saw since the implantation spotting. I first noticed spotting in the same bathroom at work with baby c. 1.0 back in February. All I could think in that moment was: this is not happening again.
I texted my tribe of people praying for baby c. 2.0 with the news. First and foremost, my Tony. Then my mom and sister, NICU mom friend, miscarriage sisters and close friends. They were all so encouraging and told me that they would lift us up in prayer over the upcoming weekend and to not lose HOPE. And Tony was just happy with the rise. I plotted my numbers out on the babymed.com hcg calculator (yes… there’s such a thing) and it still said that my 70% increase was “normal.”
There were so many storms that week in the Midwest. I kept seeing pictures of rainbows that friends would post. That Friday when I left work, it was raining but the sun was out. Conditions were perfect for a rainbow. I stood in the hospital parking lot searching the sky for my rainbow- a sign that things might be okay, but I didn’t see one.
