On Monday July 18th, I went in and had another hcg level drawn.  I was trying to stay positive despite all of the worry.  I ran a few errands and headed home.  Once I was home, I used the bathroom and there was blood when I wiped.  Not spotting anymore, but blood.  I started to lose it.  Tony happened to be at home working that day and I curled up on the couch beside him, just feeling frantic and out of control.  I refreshed my phone about every five minutes hoping for a new hcg result to post.  Finally, there it was. My level the Friday before was 186. My…

That weekend Tony and I continued to chip away at our #summerbucketlist16.  On it was “dining alfresco.”  We celebrated our 3rd anniversary at The Carriage House in South Bend.  It is an old church, converted into an upscale restaurant that boasts a southern vibe.  In the summer, you can dine outside in their gardens and listen to live music.   We headed there for dinner Saturday night, as the weather was perfect!  We walked the gardens and listened to the guitarist while we waited for our dinners to arrive.  I remember telling Tony, “Maybe it will be okay.  Maybe my level will quadruple on Monday.”  For that weekend, we were…

What is a “rainbow baby?” Google defines a ‘rainbow baby’ as “a baby that is born following a miscarriage, still birth, neonatal death or infant loss. In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives HOPE of things getting better.  The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.” On Monday, 7.11.16, I found out I was pregnant with our rainbow baby.  I drove to the lab, had my hcg and progesterone drawn, picked up my progesterone and headed home to rest, and await test results.  My amazing doctor’s office called me that afternoon with my levels.  My first hcg was 57.…

While I was in Dallas actively practicing the struggle of letting go, I came to the conclusion that there was one thing that I was still worrying about.   I wasn’t happy with my OBGYN practice.  They didn’t believe in checking my progesterone level despite my mother’s history of needing progesterone and my first miscarriage.  I had heard and seen many good things about another physician who delivers at my hospital and decided to call to get an appointment.  This physician belongs to a small practice of wonderful people who desire to treat the entire being-not just the uterus, as they believe that nutrition, stress management, exercise and desire to…

I vowed to give up the fertility charting and I did.  In May we traveled home (I still call it that) to visit my mom and sister and attend our third of four weddings in 2 months.  My mom has this super cozy, yet spacious ranch that she moved into while I was beginning college.  That’s been my home away from home for over 10 years now, and I always love going home for a visit.  She has this amazing pool that has always been a place of profound life planning, from relationships, to college majors, to friendships, to trip planning.  The pool has also been a place of margarita…

March and April proved to be be a different kind of difficult for me.  I was starting the very slow process of feeling more myself each day, but I became obsessed with getting pregnant again.  At the end of February,  I downloaded two fertility tracking apps.  Remember that Baby C. 1.0 was conceived without ovulation sticks, basal body temperature taking (BBT) or other methods of fertility tracking.  When my cycle returned 32 days after my miscarriage, I was thrilled! There was so much worry and anxiety regarding how long it would take for my body to go back to normal again.  It was invigorating to think that we could try again…

As the weeks and the winter dragged on, it became almost comical how many girlfriends in my life became pregnant.  Within weeks, even days of my first miscarriage I learned that two very important women in my life were expecting.  Two others were due two months and the month before me.   Four of my closest friends and I were due within months of each other.   I kept picturing what COULD have been.  I COULD have hosted two of them at a Notre Dame tailgate, each of us with newborns in baby carriers strapped to us.   I COULD have enjoyed co-hosting craft club with my good friend as we both…

In the weeks following our first miscarriage, I was an emotional train wreck, and I knew it.  I shared what had happened with a coworker and she immediately recommended that I seek counseling.  She gathered all of the information on our employee assistance offered through our benefits plan and I called that same day.  I was put in touch with an incredibly helpful social worker who has helped me tremendously in my recovery.  I went weekly at first, and as the pain became less fresh, I stretched it out to every other week.  Therapy was and is still, so beneficial for me. Being a nurse, I tend to think medically…

If you do not believe that life begins at conception, you may not appreciate this post. I met a local friend for coffee a week or so after our loss.  I reached out to her when it happened because I knew that she had gone through her own painful journey with miscarriage.  She was amazing.  She listened to me, answered my questions and listened to me some more.  She recommended coming up with a name for the baby we lost in order to pay tribute to its tiny life.   I remember feeling torn at this notion.   To me life begins at conception, but with this miscarriage, all I…